Non-Fiction: Review of People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton

I have mentioned a few times that I am a blogger by night. By day, I ensure middle-management retains its reputation in society as a sapper of the soul. As such, communication and people are the biggest part of my day. There is no shortage of situations and circumstances that require listening, social navigation, understanding, and negotiation. It’s thus that Robert Bolton’s book People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts (1979) caught my eye. There is always room for improvement—much more than I thought, in fact.

People Skills comes exactly as advertised. One-third psychology (emotions, self-actualization, needs, personal barriers, etc.) and two-thirds communication (listening, reflecting, direct and indirect speech, body language, tone, etc.), Bolton unpacks the approaches to human interaction that lead to varying results in practical detail. He starts by defining the blockers most of us use in our regular style of speaking and writing, then goes on to explain, using logical reasoning, emotions, and basic psychology why those forms of communication are more likely to generate negative outcomes. Yeah, I say that to my wife. Sometimes I do that. Definitely I’m guilty of using that tactic… And comparing to the results I get… For the person honest and aware of their thoughts, emotions, habits, and behaviors, this book can be a real eye opener.

Bolton proceeds to build out the alternate ways of handling the varying situations in which we find ourselves being negative or passive-aggressive—despite our good intentions. Whether it be getting our needs met, resolving conflicts with co-workers or our children, or controlled assertion in a variety of public or private situations, Bolton breaks down the nuts and bolts of what and why in clear, intelligent fashion.

For my pragmatic brain, the best part of People Skills are the examples. For most situations, Bolton provides real-world scenarios (typically conversations) that most people can relate to, or have witnessed. Sometimes this means giving dialogue examples of blocking communication, followed by why. Sometimes this means blocking followed by alternate, positive ways of handling that situation. And sometimes this means just straight up suggestions for sentence structures or word choices that can help a person improve interaction. For similarly minded people as myself, notes can be taken and put into immediate effect.

While body language is highlighted and discussed, most of People Skills focuses on what the individual can do in regular human interaction (conversation, writing, co-existence, projects. etc.) to feel more comfortable and satisfied with the outcomes. For submissive people, this likely means being more self-aware and assertive in order that needs might be met. For more dominant/aggressive people, this also means being more self-aware, but likewise more bilateral in order to better collaborate and be emotionally closer. Overall, it’s the type of content that should be taught in schools and universities, and would inevitably make society a more tolerant, accepting place. Alas…

I picked up People Skills based on the title and blurb. Reading the introduction, I thought nothing of the fact that Bolton decided to use ‘he’ pronouns in odd number chapters and ‘she’ in the even. Such are the times we live in. It was thus a shock for me to learn that the book was published in 1979, more than forty years ago. Despite the period of time that has passed, and human nature being what it is (i.e. unchanged regardless the advances in technology, etc.) the book still feels 100% relevant in 2021. Some of Bolton’s examples (e.g. housewives worried about having the home ready for the family’s return at the end of the day) may not have the same broader relevancy today as in 1986, but the details, the human aspects at the heart of these situations remain valid and relatable.

People Skills is one of the tip-top most influential books I’ve ever read, regardless of content or type. That is how fundamental to my existence I think it is. (Bolton does say we spend roughly 70% of our waking lives involved in one form of human interaction or another…) Perhaps I’m still in the honeymoon phase of having read the book, but every chapter felt profound in how it addressed my communication and behavior patterns, as well-intentioned as they may be, which nevertheless do not bring about desired effects. I thought my people skills were ok, and while Bolton confirmed a few positive habits I have, there a several more that need to overcome forty+ years of repetition. In short, this old dog knows it needs a few new tricks, which has put a little energy back into my middle-manager soul.