11. The Force Awakens – I still remember arriving in the cinema to watch The Force Awakens. After a decade without a fresh Star Wars film, here it was, the continuation of the saga! What could possibly happen after the Empire’s defeat? How will Disney pick up where Lucas left off? Will they (as I secretly hoped) adapt Timothy Zahn’s novels for the screen? What surprises await? It turns out, zero. Disney simply repeated key Star Wars ingredients for a new audience with token DEI elements. Rey = Luke. Poe = Han Solo. Jakku = Tatooine. Snoke = Emperor. Kylo = Vader. Maz = Yoda. BB8 = R2D2, Starkiller Base = Death Star (third and counting—but bigger). Hux = Tarkin. Takodana cantina = Mos Eisley cantina. The First Order = the Empire. The New Republic = The Rebellion. Trench run = trench run. Hiding secret plans in BB8 = hiding secret plans in R2D2. Christ, Rey even found a lightsaber in a dark cave. It’s a nostalgia simulator. Sure, Disney added some elements a modern audience might expect—female lead, more minority characters, etc. But, but, but… I thought the Empire was defeated? I thought Luke was going to rebuild the Jedi Academy? How has Han Solo returned to being a broke smuggler? I thought all the Sith were dead? The film is just soulless rehash looking to go retro in order to please a certain segment of Star Wars fans. It’s too safe. Rather than doing something innovative and exciting, they tried to guarantee box office returns, and in turn damaged the franchise’s legacy. Save for visual effects and the core kernel of Star Wars this would be unwatchable. The fact Harrison Ford asked his character to be killed off is a sure sign…
11. The Rise of Skywalker – Where I consider The Force Awakens the worst Star Wars film for symbolic/theoretical reasons—the seed from which terribleness grew, The Rise of Skywalker is the worst for overt/practical reasons. It is terribleness in full flourish. Let’s start with the biggest point: Anakin was the chosen one who brought balance back to the force by killing the Emperor in Return of the Jedi. You know, messianic birth, good then evil then redemption, yadda yadda yadda. No wait, he didn’t! In Rise of Skywalker we learn Anakin’s efforts, and by default the first six movies, were for nothing. There is a sentence in the screen crawl, and voila the Emperor survived, and has been living on a remote planet waiting for Disney to milk money from the Star Wars license. And he has somehow built a secret empire capable of producing a gozillion warships without anybody noticing. The Rebels have somehow gone from a Falcon full of survivors at the end of The Last Jedi to a gozillion fully armed battleships in Rise. Animals run across the wings of spaceships in vacuum space! And Anakin wasn’t the chosen one after all... It’s these types of decisions, decisions which undermine rather than build upon prior content, which make the three Disney sequels unintentional self-parodies—the worst type of parody and something space opera has little strength to stand on. (Save, of course, Space Balls.) The special effects are great, and I can even say from a perspective insular to the three sequel movies that this film’s plot wraps up Disney’s idea nicely. Too bad that the films needed to expand the Star Wars universe rather than retract it. Overall, this movie pounds the final nail into the coffin that is the Disney sequels.
11. The Last Jedi – Yes, the third #11 in a row. And it’s the worst movie, not for symbolic or practical reasons, but for reasons of irrelevancy. Fans while watching The Last Jedi: Wait, what? Huh? Wow—or wow? Really? I don’t know… And when the credits roll: What did I just watch? That didn’t make any sense! Luke the bad guy? Moral lessons of weapons manufacturing? Long distance force talking? Leia going superman through vacuum space? Luke drinking green milk from alien teets? Stuck in lightspeed, but yet not stuck… It’s all just a big f$%^&ing mess. And ultimately, how does this in any way impact the trilogy’s story? Even as a viewer I feel shame that this is considered Star Wars canon when so much other qualified material is not.
Oh how deeply, badly, madly I wish there were a giant RESET button to wipe the Disney sequels from our collective cultural memory—and to give such a budget to a competent writing, producing, and directing team, people who truly understand Star Wars and could produce something both original and organic. Alas... I can say my children liked them, but when asked which was their favorite Star Wars movie, none said any of the Disney films. (My daughter liked Revenge of the Sith, and my son Return of the Jedi.) Back to the list.
8. Rogue One – While Rogue One is #8 on this list, it remains a significant step up from the #11s. For the simple reason it’s original. And if this movie were to be judged on its closing scenes, then it might even hit the top three. (Darth Vader has one of the shortest albeit greatest appearances in a Star Wars film—it’s not a moment that can be watched a second time with the same awe.) There are new characters, new scenes, and something of a “unique” space battle, at least for Star Wars. What knocks this film down a little is that it feels like a solidly entertaining one-hour science fiction bank heist stretched into two hours. There just isn’t enough meat on the bone to provide a full meal. The characters are empty and the climax drags for almost half the movie. But damn, that Vader appearance was great—and original, and Star Wars.
7. The Phantom Menace – If there is any Star Wars movie I am torn about—capable of quickly moving higher in this ranking, it’s The Phantom Menace. The planet Naboo is full of imagination—underwater journeys, retro ships and tech, the pod race, etc. Qui Gon and Obi make a nice veteran/rookie pair doing Jedi stuff planet to planet. Darth Maul is the third best villain in all Star Wars (after Vader and Palpatine), and his fight scene—plus music—at the climax is great. But the film also possesses JarJar and an icky situation involving a 20-something Natalie Portman (who cannot be made to look 12, no matter how hard costume designers and make-up artists try) falling in love with a 9-year old boy. And that’s without going into mitochlorians and the messianic birth of Anakin. Star Wars films have always produced something for kids (Ewoks, R2D2, C3PO, etc.), but JarJar is a step too far. He doesn’t ruin my enjoyment, but he does distract from it. If Lucas replaced JarJar, made Anakin a young teen, and hired a teen actress to play Padme, this could have been one of the best Star Wars movies of all time.
6. Solo: A Star Wars Story – Solo doesn’t get as much love from Star Wars fandom as it does on this list, and I think I understand why. The lead actor has something, but it’s not precisely a Harrison Ford-something—which is what fans were looking for. But more importantly, fans were beginning to experience Star Wars fatigue. Following on four years of four feature films, Solo barely got advertised or noticed. It just appeared in cinemas, then disappeared. Which is a shame. Chock full of imagination in the true Star Wars vein, it’s more original than any of the Disney sequels. Moreover, the story has a cleverness which matches the image of Han Solo—getting into scrapes, playing a trick or two, and getting out in unexpected ways. This film has the type of story and imaginative direction the Disney sequels could have had—scum, villainy, and the Star Wars underworld as the Rebellion rebuilds the Republic. I hope that with time this film will get the respect it deserves.
5. Return of the Jedi – Let’s get the negatives out the way before jumping to the super positives of Return of the Jedi. The Ewoks are terrible. A bunch of teddy bears defeating armored troops? They are family fun for the kids, I get it, but still cheesy. I also strongly dislike Death Star #2. Lucas couldn’t think of another ultimate weapon, or excuse to generate a large explosion? Why are we repeating ourselves? Balancing these two negative aspects are two amazing aspects. First is the opening sequence at Jabba’s Palace. The Rancor, the Sarlacc pit, Boba Fett, the shadowy gangster stuff—it’s everything space adventure should be. And the second, of course, the final sequence between Luke, Vader, and the Emperor, aka, Vader’s redemption, when the prophecy of the Chosen One comes to fruition. Replace the Ewoks with something a little more believable and come up with a better excuse for a grand explosion, and this movie would be top three—#5 is not bad, but could have been better.
4. Attack of the Clones – At #4 on the list, things start to solidify. Remove just the ultra-cheesy dialogue and love scenes between Anakin and Padme and this movie soars—a space opera spectacle. The neon assassination sequence flying over Coruscant to open the film. The long-awaited fight between Boba Fett—ahem Jango Fett, and someone, anyone, in this case, Obi Wan. And of course, the duel between Dooku, Obi Wan, Anakin, and Yoda. Seeing Yoda do what nobody had ever seen Yoda do before was excellent. The romance stuff is juvenile and unnecessarily mushy, sure, but the rest is what Star Wars was, is, and should be. If the Disney sequels had even half of this film’s imagination, they would be enjoyable.
3. Star Wars: A New Hope – This is it, the original, the one that started it all. As space opera as space opera can be, this good vs evil, space battles, young-man-finds-his-hero-place-in-the-universe, fighty-shooty-lightsabery splash of creativity is everything a person could want in science fiction escapism. Why is it #3 not #2 or #1? It’s a bit rough around the edges. It’s at times a touch forced. The lightsaber duels are stuffy and stilted. Luke goes from zero to hero before the viewer has time to blink. The script and acting are often unnatural. Overall, it has issues associated with many young filmmakers, as Lucas was (experience, budget, etc.), but remains such an innocent chunk of pure imagination on screen that it’s difficult to deny the role in defining the entire Star Wars franchise. After all, had it failed, we would call this movie Star Wars, not A New Hope.
2. Revenge of the Sith – Like Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith has its share of cheesy dialogue involving Anakin and Padme. And like Maul, General Grievous appears and disappears too quickly. But beyond this, Revenge of the Sith is the ultimate capstone on how Anakin turned to the dark side and the Emperor took power. And oh the darkness, the lovely darkness—Anakin’s slow but unavoidable turn into a burning lava climax. Working organically with the foundation laid in The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, it takes viewers to the end of Anakin’s journey and to Darth Vader’s beginning in a way fans wanted to be taken without knowing it. Some wonderful battle sequences, epic lightsaber duels—just pure Star Wars colors.
1. The Empire Strikes Back – Yes, I am one of the many-many who believe this is the best Star Wars film. Unlike A New Hope and a couple other Star Wars films, The Empire Strikes Back follows an impossible-to-predict storyline. The viewer is constantly kept on the edge of their seat where things are going despite the characters and universe being familiar. Doubling down on imagination and creativity, the film breaks fresh ground. Hoth and Cloud City are two unique places that are major elements helping define Star Wars. The story is smooth and organic. And the opera is strong in this one, delivering the stuff one would find on European stages centuries ago.
So yes, I am upset about the fact the three Disney films are now considered canon. I hold out distant hope that LucasFilms will sponsor someone new to revise the whole in a new direction. Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn trilogy or George Lucas’ own idea of shifting focus to Leia battling scum & villainy elements while Luke tries to rebuild the Jedi Order—both are imminently better options than Disney’s Star Wars 2.0.
But enough hate. I’m here for
love, and the sense of wonder the films brought to my children, and
to the child in me. The buzz of lightsabers. R2D2’s sputter
blurp. The whine of blaster bolts. TIE Fighters blasting away.
X-Wings blip-blip-blipping. Those are sounds embedded in my memory
for the rest of my life. Good vs. evil is a simple dichotomy, and
one we rarely see play out in real life. But we know Star Wars is
pure escapism, pure imagination. I wait for grandkids—and
hopefully things will evolve for the better, as we see in the tv
series The Mandalorian and Andor.
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