Gush-Gush-Gush: Balancing the Internet Review Formula

The following is the opening paragraph of C.J. Sam's novel Temple of the Bird Men.  It's a book on some readers' 2025 radars and is spoken of in glowing terms by certain reviewers (Gush-Gush-Gush!).  But a counter-weight is needed.

The capital gates loomed high above Daran, the farmer from Southern Shangee Province. Their riveted metal plates shimmered under the late afternoon sun, casting shadows over the road, paved in stone. Guards in polished armour stood at attention, their hands resting on the hilts of swords that gleamed as brightly as their distrustful eyes. Daran shifted uneasily, adjusting the satchel slung over his shoulder. Within it lay the letter from Sanrat, Lord of the Southern Shangee Feudal Domain, a man revered in his lands as much for his cunning as for his authority. The weight of his mission pressed on him heavier than the miles of rough terrain he had trudged on his tired horse to reach the capital.

The opening sentence is awkward; the clause should open a separate sentence or be communicated in another fashion at a later point.   But ok, let's keep going. Shimmering in the sun, ok. Paved in stone—wait, what? What are those stones doing at the end of that sentence? They have no place. It's spurious info which contributes zero to the mood, and in fact disrupts the flow of prose. But onward, forward. Daran... Sanrat... his. Wait. Whose is “his mission”? Daran or Sanrat's? I assume Daran's, but I was taken into Sanrat's lane by the details about him <wink>. And why do we need to know such details about this Lord character? Sam has shown he's willing to include spurious info, so is this another instance or just foreshadowing? Ok, ok, keep going. The weight of his mission pressed on him heavier than the miles of rough terrain he had trudged on his tired horse to reach the capital. Overdone sentence.  Remove “rough” and “tired”. Typical genre overuse of adjectives.  The terrain is inherently rough due to the Medieval-esque setting and the horse is inherently tired due to the word “trudge”. Better yet, show the difficulty in some other fashion—aches, sweat, gauntness, etc.

Overall, it's not a promising opening paragraph. The author is willing to include unnecessary info and seems to want to force me to think and feel things rather than let those thoughts and feelings occur naturally through showing. But on to the second paragraph.

Daran had never ventured this far from the lands of his birth. The streets of the capital sprawled before him, alive with a chaotic symphony of life. Hawkers touted their wares, silk-clad nobles strolled unhurriedly, and commoners darted between carts loaded with produce. The scent of roasting meat mingled with the sharp tang of horse sweat and dust lingered in the air. It was overwhelming – a world away from the precarious farm lands of Southern Shangee. These people never had to wrestle their livelihood from a landscape riddled with rubble and lingering curses.

That is as vanilla as vanilla can be in setting the scene for a bustling, medieval city. It's what a highschooler would come up with on moment's notice, not a professional writer with all the time in the world to construct a scene. Why not add some color. What wares? What meat? What produce? Take the opportunity to create an identity.  The sentence describing the scents is awkward.  Based on syntax, the reader's mind wants to mingle the smell of meat with horse and dust, but then they discover the dust is separate.  Better to have put the dust at the beginning of the sentence to avoid confusion, or at least put a comma after "sweat" to separate the objects.  Also, why is the city spread in front of him? Is he on a tower? Standing in a central square?  Wait!  No.  He's standing in front of gates per paragraph one. So why this perspective? Perhaps this should have been paragraph one. And using the word “linger” twice in the same paragraph – heresy! Let's move on to the third paragraph.

The guards escorting Daran urged him forward with curt gestures. They led him through the palace gates and into halls of such grandeur that Daran could scarcely comprehend them. Polished stone floors reflected soaring columns; their intricate carvings gilded with gold. Servants moved silently through the corridors, their gazes lowered, as though afraid to disturb the stillness of power.

Remove “them”. That's Writing 101. And the palace is so grand it's worth one sentence?  You're willing to unnecessarily tell me what the road is paved with, so why not double-down why the palace is gobsmacking our intrepid protagonist?  Why not another sentence to make me feel the grandeur—a little extra detail what is gilded or a third architectural element to help convey size?  Again, an opportunity to build identity.  Also, “stillness of power” is in direct conflict with the bustling medieval city. In three paragraphs I've gone from imposing power to bustling city to imposing power. It's a see-saw that struggles to establish mood. Paragraph two seems unnecessary in retrospect.  Strike it.  Paragraph four...

I'm going to stop my analysis here. It's not terrible writing, but it's not good writing.  And if we're being truly honest, ChatGPT can write better.  It doesn't give confidence Sam has the skill at this stage of their experience to produce publishable fiction.  It needs major, major editing, perhaps even an entire re-write.  Maybe I'm wrong?  Perhaps the novel slows down and smooths out?  Maybe Sam's descriptions evolve and entice? And could it be that more consistent moods are established? I'm not sticking around to find out. Sam lost me in the first two pages. With so many books and stories available, why invest the time and money?

Which leads to this post's title. In the wider world of fiction there are innumerable-innumerable gushing reviews. The culture wars are on fire, but fantastika is rainbows and unicorns.  The law of averages is not in effect as reviews make it seem 99% of science fiction and fantasy is grrrrrrr-eat.  Insightful, critical reviews are a minority. Sure, this "reviewer" doesn't like this character or that "reviewer" doesn't appreciate a certain plot development.  But that's personal preference. It's not an attempt at objective commentary or an offering of something more comparable across the spectrum of fiction being published. Take this post as a grain of sand on the opposite side of the scales.