A
recent issue in my family brought to a head a problem that had been
bubbling unattended for years, and has set me on a quest to dig
deeper into understanding a life and lives that I once thought I
understood relatively well. Of course, it turns out there are layers
I may have known existed in some vague way but severely
underestimated the significance of. Long story short, thanks mom for
helping me be who I wanted to be. That, in a nutshell, is the oh-so
obvious yet not-so-obvious mantra of William Stixrud and Ned
Johnson’s The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving
Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives (2018).
Looking
around, you see it every day: parents, with the best of intentions,
helping their children with some task or activity. ‘Help’ an
intentionally vague term in my example, the manner in which these
parents help varies greatly. Some sit back and watch, offering
encouragement or support, while others do everything for the child,
thinking them unable to accomplish the task themselves or afraid of
them hurting themselves. An injured or hurt child is for the latter,
somehow, a blight on the parent’s record. Highlighting the need to
sever the child as extension of parent and allow the child to exist
as an individual is at the heart of Stixrud and Johnson’s book. If
you love someone you have to let them go applies to parenting, also.









