
Several
times in my life have I heard someone say: “What, you’ve never seen a
Bollywood movie? You simply have to! They’re great!” The best of
intentions never panning out, being in India seemed like a good time to
take up their suggestion. And so, on a 42 degree afternoon (f#%^ hot
for the Celsius impaired), a companion and I bought tickets for a
blessedly air-conditioned cinema in downtown Varanasi.
Jannat 2 our
afternoon’s entertainment, my first experience with Bollywood was in a
context as it was meant to be. But like the heat and chaos waiting
outside, I left in shock.
Want high-school romance? Check.
Want Tom Cruise action? Check. Want chase scenes? Check. Want
slapstick humor three red balls short of a clown? Check. Want nasal
singing? Check. Want choreographed happy people dancing like Jim
Carrey? Check. Want choreographed happy people dancing amidst graphic
death? Check. Want unending slow-motion glamour shots of Indian stars
made to look as Eur-american as possible? Check. Want highly
predictable plot outcomes of the wink-wink variety? Check. In short,
it’s all like stewing MTV,
Lethal Weapon, and any Jennifer Aniston romance into one big pot of ugliness.
Enough said. Here is a rough breakdown of
Jannat 2 as proof.
Scene
1 Boy is shown joking with friend at night on bridge. (I say “boy”
because of his metrosexuality. He was not a convincing “man”.) Fellow
gangsters appear who know boy. Friend runs away. Gangsters threaten
boy by holding him over bridge abutment. Gangsters smile. It is a
joke. He will live. Gangsters slash boy’s palm.
Scene 2 Boy
goes to doctor’s office for hand. Sees beautiful goddess actress and
it’s love at first sight. (Viewers become aware of the love thanks to
the subtleties of slow-motion hair-flipping on the girl’s part and the
“holding-cucumber-in-mouth” look of the boy.) Boy acts shy while girl
doctor (only in the movies in India!) tends slashed hand. Saccharine
dialogue ensues. Girl refuses boy’s advances, so boy slashes other palm
with scalpel. Blood flows. Boy smiles. Girl smiles.
Scene 3
Men sit in bar drinking and smoking. They are off-duty detectives. One
man, a real man, drunkenly leaves and attempts to call wife. No luck
because she's been dead for a year. Man lurches back into bar.
Philosophy ensues over cigarettes.
Scene 4 Boy walks down street
in daytime, talking with friend, no bandages. Stops at shop to make a
deal. Off-duty detectives from previous scene witness deal and give
chase. Charley Chaplin scenes ensue, complete with such tricks as: boy
hides behind car only for car to drive away, exposing boy to otherwise
hopeless police. Chase continues. Attempting to escape, boy
accidentally jumps into same rickshaw as female doctor. Ooh. Dialogue
ensues. Boy acquires phone number. Police catch boy and boy loses
phone number. Girl drives away.
Scene 5 Boy is convinced by detectives to go undercover and infiltrate a gun smuggling ring. Simple.
Scene
6 Street at night. Boy and group of friends discuss boy’s bad luck at
having lost girl’s phone number. Song breaks out. Boys dance in
choreographed fashion while boy sings. Images of he and girl wearing
beautiful clothes and being beautiful people spliced into song and dance
routine. Everyone feels better.
Scene 7 Same night, maybe
different street. Obvious bad guy sits at table (later to be revealed
as #2). Boy and friend approach. Clever dialogue ensues. Boy
dismantles and reassembles pistol in record time, thus passing bad guy’s
test. Boy welcomed into gun ring with friend.
Scene 8
Restaurant. Boy and friend eat (with hands, shoveling food into mouth
like animals). Girl enters with friends. (What a coincidence in a city
of 13 million!) Boy and friend banter about speaking to girl. Boy
ultimately talks with girl, convinces her to go on date.
Cut scenes Boy
goes on date with girl. Scenery is luxurious and dirt-free, coconut
palms, architectural wonders, etc. Song breaks out. Everyone is happy.
Many slow-motion glamour shots showing beautiful people. Girl is
convinced. There is hand holding at the end. (All the middle schoolers
giggle.)
Scene 9 Luxury SUV enters underground storage area with
various guns scattered about. Man exits vehicle. Obvious is big boss.
#2 introduces boy to boss. Boy afraid because boss’s piercing eye
stare seems onto his undercover status.
Scene 10 Boy shown secretly meeting detective to pass info about gun ring. Bro moment occurs.
Scene
11 Boy goes on second date with girl. Love is decided. They go to a
civil office and are married the next day. Love scene ensues. No
nudity. Only glamour shots of girl wearing 17 different saris.
Cut scenes Boy
shown at various stages of dealing and storing weapons, and generally
sneaking around. Does good job. Boss approves of boy and friend. Wife
waiting at home for boy. Life is good. Manly detective watches from
wings, bottle of booze always in hand.
Scene 12 Boy and girl’s
new home. Girl welcomes father for a visit. Father turns out to be gun
boss. Ooh. Plot twist. Another ooh. Boy scared.
Scene 13 More
bro moments occur between manly detective and boy. Boy afraid
father-in-law/boss will discover he works for police and kill him.
Scene 14 Boss gathers crew and tells them he knows a rat exists in his crew. Everyone scared except #2.
Scene
15 Detective’s office. A mole exists. Manly detective discusses
situation with police chief. Detective instructed by chief to find
mole. Leaves to drink.
Scene 16 Newlyweds highly westernized
luxury penthouse (no rubbish in sight). Girl prepares candles and
spreads roses over whole apartment in 21st century Betty Crocker
attentiveness. Boy shown in wife-beater grinning like pervert on bed.
Slow motion love scene ensues wherein the only flesh exposed is shoulder
and a hint of couple’s backs. Sexual congress is implied amongst many
slow motion glamour shots--no pimples, wrinkles, or other imperfections
to be seen.
Scene 17 Boss gathers crew again and points to
friend as rat. Tense dialogue ensues. When friend’s life is
threatened, boy attempts to admit he is rat. However, friend gives life
for boy. Blows out brains in graphic detail. Nobody is singing.
Scene
18 Manly detective confronts random co-worker about potential status as
mole. Detective destroys conveniently worn cast on right arm to test
if any listening devices are located inside. None are. Chief calls
detective in for another meeting. Something must be done.
Scene
19 Boy drives with boss and #2 in luxury SUV to big gun deal. Manly
detective suddenly appears, stops SUV, and threatens everybody with
arrest. Group escapes on legal technicality. #2 eyes boy with look “I
know you’re the informant.” Detective drinks as SUV drives away.
Scene
20 Boss instructs boy to leave town for a big deal. Boy breaks news to
girl: no honeymoon. I must work. Girl sad. Slow motion tears and
sadness ensue.
Scene 21 Boy and detective secretly meet in back
alley at night. Boy expresses pains of life. Detective drinks. Bro
moment with heartfelt dialogue. #2 suddenly appears and utters the
Hindi equivalent of “Ha! Gotcha!” to boy. Chase ensues. #2 caught and
tortured by detective. #2 dies.
Scene 22 Grand climax. Boy
returns to gun lair. Numerous young men enter cavern behind him.
Nobody wants to sing. Or dance. Boss confronts boy as informant.
Shooting breaks out. Boy performs various slow-motion rolls and flips
returning fire to numerous bad guys, killing all. Boss runs away. Boy
chases. Police chief appears and points gun at boss. Boy relaxes,
thinks all is well. Chief shoots boy. (Surprise!!) Chief and boss
laugh and start to walk away. Manly detective appears and shoots all
bad guys. (Surpr—oh wait, that’s not a surprise, those bro moments…).
Detective hoists boy on shoulder and drives pell-mell to hospital.
Scene
23 Boy, looking as handsome as ever, lays in hospital bed. Detective
leans over, listens to profound words. Boy dies. (About time!)
Detective sullen.
Scene 24 Girl, as usual, waits at home for boy.
(Her career as a doctor appears to have been abandoned after her
marriage as her only role after is to wait at home dressed sexily.)
Detective appears. Breaks news. Slow-motion tears. Makeup remains
immaculate. Detective leaves.
Scene 25 Smoke filled bar from
opening scenes. Manly detective, sober, goes to pay phone to call wife.
Lifts receiver but decides better not call a dead woman.
THE END
As can be seen, the producers and directors of
Jannat 2 have
sold their soul to the devil. There is a less than subliminal message
being flashed throughout the film: “We want money, and we want money
badly. We want to appease the lowest common denominator. We don’t care
about anything else. Thus, our film is crap of the most impure
variety.”
Suffice to say, I now understand the appeal of Bollywood: unintentional humor